Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in .:Carolyne's Journal:.'s LiveJournal:

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Friday, September 21st, 2007
2:47 pm	on valleys and mountains... so.... yeah. im single. life is much more simpler, yet there are many complexities. for one. i get to focus on myself for a while. a good long while. sure, i'll most likely have a few crushes and flirt with some guys, but for reals, i need to get right with everything. but it has also made me realize, I am not the person who I thought I was. However, do I even want to be the person I thought I was? the hardest part is that i don't know who i want to become. sure, i want to be good person, i want to be a testimony for god, but does that mean i have to be exactly like everyone else? or course not. i want to be good. i want to be a hard worker. i want to make people think. i want to catch attention and retain it. i want to do what i want to do. i want His wants to become mine. i want to become less selfish. i want to be different. needless to say, the next couple of months are going to alot of soul-seeking. two. i am not going to defend rey. but i am going to set things straight. my life has never been black and white. good and evil. bad and good. right and wrong. it has not been cookie cutter. it has been far from perfect. what you see on the surface is but a drop in the bucket in the 20 years i have been alive. my life has been all sorts of shades of grey. Too often I see people who have had easy lives see the world in black and white. Why not? there is good and bad and they are mutually exclusive. Nothing bad has ever happned to them. To them, once you are good and you go bad you have to live with the consequences and are forever bad. The irony is that many of those people are people who call themselves Christians--more accurately--followers of Christ. What I hate is that so often they get so caught up in defining the world in black and white that they forget the very essence of Christ—his love for us saved us from our sin. Jesus went out there and loved those who were not loved. If Jesus and God had that mindset than death would be it. People forget that life is not black and white. Life is all black. We all sin. We all are bad. No sin is greater than another in the eyes of God. We have all sinned, and we are all unholy. If you gossip it is the same as having sex before marriage and that is the same as loving yourself more than God. To me there is no such thing as a bad person. To label someone as bad is to throw away a good life. Once you have someone pegged as bad, any evidence of good is completely forgotten. "Sammy was a good girl, but then she did this...blah blah" and the focus is shifted to what they have done wrong. How they screwed up their life. No one ever focuses on how they can get right. How they can get better. When you call someone bad you basically say that that someone has no hope. and i believe that everyone has hope no matter what they have done. I am not afraid of bad people. I am not saying I am incorruptible. But I believe in second chances. i believe that there is always some good in someone. Maybe that is where I went wrong. Most likely. but the way i think of is this: if i screwed up, if i went down a wrong path, if i made a few bad choices i would not consider myself to be a bad person. I would see myself as a good person with a good heart who has screwed up. And I would want to be seen as someone who has hope. I wouldn’t want someone to give up on me. I would want a second chance. Is that not one of the essences of love? Mercy? so, it is safe to say that it is harder for me to distinguish lesser forms of evil--not in a demonic sense, but rather in an everyday practicality. To me, life has always been ying and yang. You take the good with the bad, and that anything that is good can also have bad, and it is inseparable. Needless to say, it is alot harder for me to see something as so bad that the good does not make up for it, something so bad that i must divorce myself away from that person or thing. Especially when I am blinded by love. again, i am not defending my actions, but i will offer reasoning. mainly for myself so i can look at what i'm saying in the text and try my hardest not to return. however. i was with rey because i did like him. i was attracted to him. i was attracted to the idea of him, and who he projected himself to be when he was with me and who i thought he was. that doesn't mean that i enjoyed the bad. Who in their right mind does? I am not a sadist. I had a certain amount of commitment to see it out, to take the good with the bad. And there were good times, and i had fun, i experienced new things, and i loved him. That’s why I was with him. I saw the good. I knew there was good. I hoped it would be a good relationship. So, I threw caution to the wind and did it. Swing. and a miss. So. Ok. I got hurt. It was not good. There was misplaced hope. I might've been foolish. But I did the best I could. Because I see good in someone, am I weak? To me, I feel as though I am already stronger. Not due to the pain I experience, (although what does not kill you makes you stronger) but in that I lived, I loved, I learned and I experienced. I am so much wiser now. I feel almost as if I am a better person because I have exposed myself to the worst and I am come out of it alive. i can move on with my life and be so much more prepared. Can you really learn that much from happiness? I feel as though the growth I am experiencing now is ten times greater than any growth I felt when I was in happy and good place. I regret nothing. I take back nothing. Because I am so much better because of it. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: guster - two points for honesty (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 14th, 2007
12:11 am	*emo tear* Since when has it been ok to not keep your word? Words have lost their value. And we are all to blame. Why have we, as a society, been allowed to be so irresponsible? We throw away words, promises, and commitments at a moments notice, forgetting that in the meantime our own integrity is being compromised. Threats are made, promises are given, all at the beat of a heart and forgotten in half the time. Maybe it is because the subconscious is believed to be the most honest viewpoint into a persons head. Hence the need for a 'quick-second-response' or 'what-are-you-thinking-right-now' as if there is a need to the catch the only honest answer. As if thinking makes a person dishonest. We have forgotten why it is wise to think before speaking, why a well-thought-out answer is so much better than a quick cursory response. Discernment, honesty and wisdom have all become commodities. I blame it on our society. Every thing has to be so nice and PC so that no one offends anyone. If there is an offense then the offended is too afraid of putting the offender in their place, because god forbid, they might by chance offend them. Being so afraid to step on toes has created a climate of dishonesty. Not just with others, but with ourselves. A lot like with the whole idea of not spanking your children because it might be misconstrued as child abuse. Shoot. Some children need to be spanked. Some don’t. There are different methods. Either way works. Ok sorry I digress. Let's take a look at which phrases are consistently misused without any meaning. "let's hang out sometime" --seriously. only say that unless you intend on calling that person that very week and committing a time to spend quality time with that person. It has gotten to the point of being so over used that everyone widely acknowledges that the hanging out promised most likely will not happen. "i love you" love is a powerful word. way too powerful. unfortunately, many people know the weight of that that word and use it to manipulate others. Maybe it used for the say-ie's benefit in conjunction with sex, loneliness, or emotional needs. Rarely is it used for its real meaning, and in consequence such a powerful word has lost most of its meaning and power. 'do death do us part'--no need to explain. the divorce rate does a pretty good job at that. there are some others but i cant remember them right now. But seriously. No one is held accountable for what they say anymore. Not a second thought is given to what you say to someone, and an apology with the obligatory 'i didn't intend to' or the 'that's not what i meant to do' or the even better 'things change', I know there is still hope. There are still people out there who has that rare thing called integrity. Use it. Don't make commitments you cannot keep. Don't tell a girl you like what you know she wants to hear, and most especially don't make a promise even if there is a shadow of a doubt that you cannot keep it. Maybe this is the bitter rantings of a disillusioned girl who has had too many people in her life who have made promises only to be broken, or too many guys profess affection only to disprove it, too many friends have broken commitments to readily believe them. Maybe I have become a bit of a misanthrope. If so...that sucks. But maybe I’m on to something. Maybe not enough people have said anything about it. Perhaps too many people are fine with the status quo, too many people are fine with how life is and are ok to just go with the flow. Hopefully some people read this and agree. If majority does read this and doesn’t care. Oh well, your loss. At least I’m speaking up. Current Mood: cold Current Music: silverson pickups- melatonin (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
2:22 am	on happiness in marriage I was over at my friends house today, and I was astounded. Their mom still looked at their dad like they were dating. After 3 boys and a lifetime together she had stars in her eyes and was still very much in love. He looked at her as if she was the only woman in the room, and you knew he was her hero. You could draw hearts in a line connecting the two together. She was full of life, squirming in glee, laughing at his unique brand of stupid humor. He was laughing at her and she was laughing at him. It was so beautiful it was almost unreal--happiness like that isn't reality--it just too good to be true. I felt hope, just watching them. They genuinely enjoyed each others company. I have never seen such visible happiness in a marriage before. I know then and as I know now. I want that. I want to be that happy 20 odd years down the line. I want to be able to look at my husband and still squirm, have him to look at me as though I am the only woman in the world. So if I want that, why do I feel as though I will never achieve such happiness? Seeing those two made me sad--depressed even. I haven't grown up in a home where there is marital bliss.I have not first hand seen a real working loving marriage. I have only seen it where he is visibly angry and disgusted, with no respect and a blatant disregard for her feelings. Because of my childhood and my parents relationship I feel as though I will be stuck in the constant cycle of trying too hard and failing to receive the attentions that I so desire. I am surrounded by this pain and sadness associated with marriage--as well as the vibe that I get off of my dad--he doesn't want to be there and he would much rather be with women twice as pretty as my mom. That absence of love creates a hole -- a hole of doubt -- doubt that I will never be able to break free of my parents cycle, that I will carry on the sins of the fathers into the next generation...as if I am destined to have a hard life. This environment that I have grown up with doesn't determine my actions or my desires--no one chooses to be unhappy. However, it does permeate into my thoughts and my worries. I doubt because that is all I know. These doubts cling to the edge of my happiness and attack when I am most vulnerable. Sometimes I fear my own doubts--how sad is that? To fear my fears? I become afraid that my worries will manifest themselves and I will act on them, forever ruining my chance of happiness. How then do I maintain such Happiness when I have found it? I dont know. I have no idea. I'm powerless to do it. There is some hope though. All I know that as long as I keep God in the center than it will be good. For He is in the good. and thats all the hope i need. Current Music: tv on the radio- satellite (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 11th, 2007
2:05 am	So scared to find out what this life is all about. So scared we are going to lose it…. What a freaking month. I basically cut out the cancer. I cut off the hand that caused me to sin. It’s gone. Yeah my jacket and stuff is still at his house but that is just a small detail. Physically he is out of my life. I know now that I never really loved him. I thought I did…I just felt as though I should return the sentiments that he so readily professed to feel for me—what a lie. The real problem is…I’m cautious. I was hurt. I was hurt twice in a year…Pretty much all of the main men in my life (sans brother and current boyfriend) have broken my heart… Yeah yeah yeah, shut up with the stupid girl emotion krap. But sadly enough it is true. I’m like the main heroine in a cheesy love novel who manages to screw up a perfectly good relationship by making problems more complex and more emotional than they really are. Not saying that there are problems, its just I’m afraid I will create problems where there were never none. I’m scared because I’ve done it before. That and And I am scared shitless. Seriously freaked out. He’s too wonderful. Too caring. Too thoughtful, too sincere, too honest…too much of everything that I need. Holy crap! Its only been little less than three weeks! We haven’t even touched a month and I can totally see myself way down the line completely happy—and it actually working out. It’s too perfect. Honestly, I am so scared of getting too attached and falling in love and just having my heart crushed once again that I think I’m looking for problems. It’s not that I think he’s perfect, I know for a fact he isn’t…but everything adds up too well... It’s as if the devil made this perfect little thing for me to go after and fall in love with and hes just baiting me…waiting behind a corner to pounce on unsuspecting me. I keep on trying to convince myself not to like him too much, not to get too attached, I don’t want to play with fate by wanting this too much… I made this list of things I wanted and I gave it up to God and forgot about it. In no less than 2 weeks later I meet him at a New Years party. New year new start on life eh? How clichéd is that? I hate clichéd things! And here I am sounding like such a twerp and smiling like a dweeb every time I get a message from him. What is the worst is I look like such a little slut. Less than a month after I cut all connection with whats-his-face I’m up late every night spending all the time I can with him. I find myself getting addicted to his presence and missing it when it is gone… What is also scary is that I am not sure if I can distinguish between love and lust. I thought I was in love with whats-his-face but you really can’t love someone who you do not trust and you defiantly cannot love someone who consistently treats you like crap. That and if I really loved him I wouldn’t have been able to cold turkey him so easily—and be so relieved when he is completely out of my life. Besides the fact is was mostly forced. It was basically lust. So my dilemma comes to this: Am I falling in love? Or am I just stuck in the exciting time of lust? What is confusing is that at the Jordan they had this chart that is supposed to help you distinguish between love and lust…and I looked down the chart and everything that applied to our relationship was one the ‘love’ side all sans actually saying ‘I love you’ which is something that I sure as hell am not ready for but…I kinda want to hear it. Is that wrong? To want to love someone? I know it defiantly is too soon… but I can’t wait for the day that I can say that to him and whole-heartedly mean it. See I want to say that—not yet—but down the line, is that me just confusing love with lust or is it the real deal? 2 months. That’s long until I know if I’m going to UCSD or not. Scary. My mom needs to kick my dad out. She needs to enroll in a class to get her skills up to par and she just needs to get a job. It could be an entry level job but it’s a start and there is no place to go but up from there. But shes not ready. Fuck that. No one is ever ready. You just have to do. Current Mood: pensive Current Music: relient k- consquences (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
1:10 am	"i know you know you touched my life when you touched my heavy heart and made it light" Let it all out, get it all out rip it out remove it. don't be alarmed when the wound begins to bleed we're so scared to find out what this life's all about so scared we're going to lose it not knowing all along that's exactly what we need you said I know that this will hurt but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse. If the burden seems too much to bear Remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 26th, 2006
1:38 am	birdcages. big fluffy scary tweet inside. Red. blood dripping down. acrylic. haha sorry i had to write down my idea for a peice before i forgot it. so i totally had a subject in mind to rant about but i just spent the whole day at the youngdales house and those guys are just so awesome you cant leave in a bad mood. i think it was on the subject of being used. or whatever. or dont know... so i think im going to dye my hair darker and have kinda rocka-billy bang. this is the composite of what i would look like. http://i34.photobucket.com/albums/d108/carocorelis/composite.jpg its a bit off what i really want...but i want something different, new, edgy. not old me....i dunno i guess ill be filling out the cliche of a breakup--changing my hair Current Mood: drained Current Music: emiliniana torrini- lifesaver (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 4th, 2006
6:52 pm	dilemna choice: stay. get insanely better at art. build up my portfolio and gain technical knowledge. save money. graduate a year later then planned. stay another year at home and be force to pay even more to the 'rents. get to take fun classes like piano, ballet and chemistry. less stress on next semester. putting off moving out which means more time to save (unless the parents make me pay more). putting off the scary invetiable of being cut off completely and unable to come back. or go. move out. get student loans. live in la jolla. be independent. go to ucsd. get done with college in 4 years. all the more closer to moving to arizona and starting the apprentenship program. problem: not gain as much techinical knowledge because ucsd is more of a conceptual art school. might have to look at graduate school. which means more money to be paid and more student loans to be had. might have to live completely on own seeing as prospective roomates most likely will not be moving out same year as me. have to pay up the butt for rent. wont be able to come back. 'rents refuse to help out. growing up when im comfortable where i am. more freedom. no rules. no regulations. if i do something, it affects only me. getting away from the problems at home. feeling like adandoned Barbara. wont be able to see her or the fam as much. uh. help? which one? Current Mood: bored Current Music: Lets make this moment a crime--the format (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
9:19 pm	Why do I always have to fart when I am in the Liberary? Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Friday, September 29th, 2006
8:37 pm	sweet What Famous Leader Are You? personality tests by similarminds.com Current Mood: depressed Current Music: oh mandy- the spinto band (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 21st, 2006
11:40 am	k so i was in vegas this weekend! woot! ...or not. haha. basically, it was the worst road trip i have ever been on. everything that could go wrong did, and its not even funny. So, dodgeball world championships--we didnt even make the semi-finals. There are several reasons for it, first, the first team we played against and lost to, were cheaters. Not cheaters in that we call them that because we lost, but they were known to be cheaters throughout the whole tournament. Everyone in the stands would get mad at that team because their cheating was so rampant. One guy on their team who was also on the San Diego Team (he was cool) said that "yeah, i know that at least three people on my team cheated when we played you guys (my team), but what can i do about it?" --> case in point this one guy who was kicked out eventually was hit in the arm by me, hit in the chest by laura (he acted like he was walking off the court and didnt) and hit by AJ but he still didnt get out, and he was the same guy who go me out that made us lose the match. The good thing is that I brought my A game. Seriously. All the guys were so wrapped up in winning and being cocky and worrying about pro-tryouts that they would get out in the very beginning, leaving me alone to face like 4 people. The best match was the one where I got 2 girls out at the same time and was basically owning. Even the other team was like dude youre amazing. :) that definatly made the weekend worth it. Oh and that team was the team that won the coed division. losers. but ok what else went wrong? We get there at 4 am in the morning, and we head to Denny's to get something to eat. The food was krap. literally, the sausage looked like dog turds, the eggs were tasteless and the bacon was full of fat. So we get to our hotel and we found out that our deposit was cancelled so we all had to fork out $20 from our food money to pay for the room. After that, the power went out in our hotel. glorious. Oh and I forgot to mention that the whole ride up there the car smelt like Aj's feet. It was horrible, i have never smelt any odor that was made by a human smell that bad. That night everyone of the guys were all mopey because they didnt make pros so then Mark wasted some more money and bought 40's and wine coolers for people that I thought (especially since we were representing the church) didnt drink. Well i guess not. On top of that, they took too much time moping about and they didnt even want to go out on the strip. On top of that, i had to sleep on the floor with one blanket and it was freezing. When we woke up in the morning we get eric to his meeting late, we got stuck on the strip in traffic, and AJ and I got lost in the MGM trying to find him. . Saturday--we lost, the guys still didnt make pro (i hate it when they cant just accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, they arent good enough for pro) but the good thing is is that Chase's team is the World Champions and Johnny was the second to last man standing (while they were totally representing Jesus). haha--one of the guys of the opposing team was talking to us and he was like "yeah, it was really cool going up again the Triple A team (Chases) because they were so good, but at the same time, you know they have Jesus on their side, and man, you cant beat Jesus!" That was really cool, and the guys on that team were being really nice to us and wanted to take us our to eat at a buffet or something, but of course they guys were too busy moping around drinking alcohol to really get on it and leave so by the time we got through the las vegas traffic it was way too late. And they wanted to stay in the hotel another night just so they could drink rahter than stay for FREE in the church....i was pissed at that. it was the stupidest reason. like i dont care if you drink, honestly i dont, but to make stupid decisions that cost money because you want to drink? whatever. All in all, we never got to really explore the strip at night, and we never went to a Vegas buffet. We did end up exploring like a block of the strip which was actually really fun, the guys told me to hit on a bunch of spanish guys who looked gay, so I did and they turned out to be straight just well dressed and somehow i got a number out of it--which was funny. there was alot of random fun...that was some of the good parts.. and to top it all off, on Sunday my purse and my bag were stolen. so now everything is gone, my hot pants that were free from Abercrombie, my cell phone, my drivers liecense, social security card, family's camera, gas card. freaking everything. Im just glad that i had my sketch book in my backpack and my keys were in there as well. Wow. what a weekend. Current Mood: blah Current Music: some IDM stuff Rey burnt for me (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 24th, 2006
1:38 am	paper succession Today I randomly went to Denny's with Kevin. As per usual, our conversation revolved around the Catholic Faith. It's interesting arguing with him because, I know he's wrong, and he knows that I think he's wrong, but I do not have enough facts memorized to argue my case--and he knows it. What has shocked me so much is the fact that many Protestant Christians believe that the Catholics aren't even a sect of Christianity. Case in point, I was at my weekly Tuesday Night Bible study and some girl was talking how she was 'working on' her Catholic grandpa. I raised my hand and asked, " Wait, do Catholics count?" She, with a chorus of others, replied, that no. they do not count. Since when has it been ok for us to judge others for their faith? Have we completely forgotten that the basic truth behind Catholicism is the same basic truth that is behind Protestant Christianity? (Just to clarify--that truth being that Jesus is the one true son of God, and all who believe in him are saved). Yes, Catholics do believe in the Pope and the apositolic succession--but does that mean that they dont believe in Jesus? Who are we to say wether or they count? How arrogant and prideful is that? I'm too mentally exhausted to really go into it, but I hate it when Christians judge other Christians just because they think theyre way is more correct. It doesnt matter if they are correct or not, there is no excuse to judge. Current Mood: groggy Current Music: the beach boys--kokomo (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 11th, 2006
8:46 pm	pay this no mind. it is simply an outlet. Oh how I wish I could run into the arms of my Heavenly Father Tears wet his shoulder Sholder used for handkerchief I long for his loving arms around me Telling me to have no fear Its alright dear All is well Because I am here You are beautiful Because I love you Cast away your idols For I am all you need (Comment on this)
Monday, July 24th, 2006
12:39 pm	yet another grumpy day so this week has pretty much been the worst week ever. And its only monday. Yesterday, I was playing ultimate frizbee with friends from New Song church and we were having a grand old time. It was freaking hot, espeically since we had decided to start playing around 1:30 pm, the hottest time of the day. We were playing, my team was losing, and I was on the defense, with the other team rushing the frizbee to the endzone. There was a huge floating pass, that i was running to deflect, while the guy on the other team; Chase, was running to catch. The frizbee passes over my head, and Chase jumps up to catch. At that same exact time, Justin (on my team) appears out of nowhere, jumps up and attempts to intercept the frizbee. In that process, Justin knocks the frizbee straight into my face and collides with Chase. I was on the ground bleeding from my lip, and not only did the frizbee collide with my face causing it to be cut and swollen, but it hit my lip which in turn was cut and bleeding because of my braces. In all, I looked like I was punched in the face. The whole incident was actually humurous, the fact that I was injured while playing ulimate frizbee made me feel 'extreme,' I felt as though I should drive home in an Xterra through the mud. The bad part was that I now have a swollen lip, and it hurts to smile--let alone eat. On top of that, for my summer school history class, I have to read this 450+ pg book entitled 'The World Is Flat' by Friedman. No big deal, I could read like half of it and BS the rest. So today, my teacher was reading out the groups that people in the class were assigned to and at the same time reading out which chapters they would be presenting. I was thinking "Sweet! All I have to do is read the chapter that I have to present and all is good! I dont even have to read the entire stupid book!" Well, guess what. I was the ONLY person who wasnt assigned to a group. In fact, I am the designated 'Overseer'. What the krap is that??? So I went up to my teacher and asked him what the overseer has to do. He tells me that the overseer had better know the ENTIRE freaking book. WHAT THE FREAKING HECK!!! Just my stinking luck. Seriously. I have another 300+ pages to read by tomorrow, for a job that has no point! My teacher didnt even tell me what the overseer does! He was just like "the Overseer has to know the entire book. Thats all." Freaking A I am so pissed off. On top of that Ive had a bad feeling for the past 2 days. Its one of those worrysome bad feeling s where youre thirsty but not hungry. In fact, food doesnt taste good. I dont know why I have such a bad feeling. I havent talked to Rey since yesterday morning, so maybe thats why. But I keep trying to rationalize that worry, but it just makes me more scared. The thing is, I dont know what I am so scared about. Its just this feeling, and I hope to God that it is only a feeling from not talking to him for so long. (its long for us). I want to call him, but i dont want to be annoying, and i honestly dont know where he is--i could call his work but dont want to interupt him, and i called his house a couple of times, but he hasnt called back. I dont know; i think i could just be me worrying. UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
9:23 pm	grumpy grump grump grump i am so freaking grumpy i dont even know what to do with myself. I figured if i write it could help me try to express why im feeling so poor and what i can do about it. so ok today--- boo the surf freaking stunk! like it was rediculusly huge (6-8 foot sets) that were whitewash before it was even formed and it was just annoyingly strong and grr. on top of that i have some homework for pscyhology that is very vague and i dont know wether i should do what i think the teacher is asking or wether or not i should just read into it and do everything possible. ugh. i dunno. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 19th, 2006
5:29 pm	lalalala! it feels as if the weekend was miles away, and yet it is only monday. I went on myspace the other day, just to look around, I wasnt on my own. When I surfaced, I had profound distaste for it, all over again. Dont get me wrong, while I was surfing the visually appealing 'spaces, I almost had a yearning to be back again in the fold. As I delved deeper into the caverns of comments and rummaged through user pictures old memories rushed back and paralyzed my own sense of decency. I even wanted to comment on an old friend...alas to realize that I could not. I even pondered the possibility of opening another one, and to be invited back in to the warm and inviting fold of html. Maybe my social life would take the next level? Maybe I could start conversations with people whom I had been too afriad to talk to? Maybe I could portray myself in a way that people would find me attractive and want to be my friend?? Maybe Myspace was the missing link between my own social acceptance--it alone could make me popular! Then I saw that some people who swore they would never get a myspace had gotten one. Honestly, I was dissapointed. Seriously, why swear you are never going to get one and...do? Would you do the same in real life? Cave in because all the cool kids are doing it? Dont get me wrong, if you are using your mspace for good rather than evil; all the power to you. I just dont like it anymore. I get annoyed that people choose that monstrosity over integrity. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 12th, 2006
11:34 pm	This summer is unsual for me. not that it is really any different besides the fact that i am officially a college sophmore, i think it is because  i am starting it out in a funk. Ive been really annoyed with alot of people lately and i dont know wether it is my natural "tired of the usual" part of my personality or i actually have a reason to have a beef. I definately dont want to ruin any friendships but i just cant help the instant reflexes. As in instant reflexes i mean instantaousy responding to something that i disagree with, without any prior thought. Maybe its just me realizing that my friends are human and they have little nuances; just like i do. Unfortunatly i am not one of those people who are going to sit around and let it brush off my shoulder. that is probably the problem. i shoot off my mouth and say something rude or i get combative...which isnt a good thing. especially if you still want to be on good terms with your friends and you want them to want to hang out with you... other than that i need a job. and some loving. haha. no seriously. i hate how when someone youre close to starts to get an interest(possiblity) with boy, and all the sudden its like "I need a boyfriend!!" Im not too sure that it is what is best for me, but the notion of a boyfriend sounds awfully appealing right now. I have no idea who would be a good canidate, it seems like all the options are not too appealing, and whoever does sound appealing is just not available (wether they themselves are in a relationship or that they are emotionally immature and unavailable). so im just like ugh. i really want to get good at surfing this summer. the only bummer is that my board needs to be re-laminated, and since it is all black it needs to be glossed in and the same color--all in all around $105 just to fix it. I took it out this morning and i love my board so much! :) its just so...perfect for me. i actually stood up correctly: before i was going on my knees and then trying to get up from there, but i read this book that showed the correct way to do it. Youre supposed to push up and do a kinda lunge thing with a knee in front--and i did it! it was just so much more...right...than what i was doing before AND i was able to stand! yay! so yeah im going tomorrow so hopefully i can get better and the waves are better. so i need to make a decison. Point Loma Nazarene or UCSD. seriously its coming up soon.  ok so lets weigh whats good. Point Loma: (pluses) small campus (i love small campuses), christian base and strong christian 'morals' (which is good, something i like), has christian classes like 'new testament' and i think that would be really good for me, better art program than UCSD (since that is apart of my major), has advertising as a concetration in art (which appeals to me), 90% acceptance rate into graduate school, have a study abroad program with oxford ( i want to do that), everyone on the campus is really friendly ( me gusta mucho), lots of hot surfer guys (yes!),  small classes (si! si!), and gorgeous campus (gah! right by the beach!),  not nearly as competitive as UCSD more likely to get a scholarship b/c its private.  so +11.     the minuses: considerably more expensive than UCSD (like $2,000 more), small campus (might get tired of it??), not really known for their programs in art or history (hmm...boo?), not as many resources available as UCSD would have--for history (bummer...), ci like a 3 to 1 ratio of boys to girls (booo!), not the same amount of prestige as a UC not 'as good' of an education compared to UCSD more classes to take at mira costa so -8 TOTAL: Point loma--3 UCSD Pluses excellent resources available cheaper than point loma ( around 20,000) lots of options considerably more prestige than point loma good if i want to change my major back to a science could possibly room with ashliegh more guys than girls---better my chances of finding my man geekier guys (is that a plus?) more academically challenging (pushes me to do better?) in la jolla (beautiful campus) dont have to take as many classes for gen. ed so +11 Lows HUGE camus (ridiculusly)--would get annoying pretty crappy art program no advertising concentration more of a liberal arts type of degree (boo...) not the best at a history degree. massivly huge classes massivly huge competition (boo!) least likely to get accepted into grad school because of how many ppl in one class intense quarter system so -9-------- d TOTAL: UCSD--2 Point Loma : 3 UCSD: 2 so there you have it. obviously point loma won. but that doesnt mean i have made my decision. if it were that plain and clear then i wouldve chosen that, there are alterior motives for wanting to go to UCSD, but i wont name them. i dont know how much these points matter in the real world. i guess it is all up to God and i need to start praying, he knows exactly why i would want to go to each one and knows which is best. so i guess if you could pray for me also that would be wonderful. super sweet wisdom prayer. Current Mood: tired Current Music: red hot chili peppers- californication (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 2nd, 2006
12:48 am	Yay cheesy forwarded emails! this one is actually a good one. it has yet to become overused and cliched, although forward emails run that risk (and it most likely is). anyways, it has some that i havent heard and some stuff that i would actually do, so i suggest you give it a look-see. :) ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. THREE. Don't believ e all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it. FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight. EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives. TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly. THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze. SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions. EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice. TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: i think its weezer (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
8:55 pm	so i have decided that i am going to delete my myspace. it serves no purpose for me now, especially since i havent used it in about 2 weeks so HA i can do it! especially since i have a facebook now :) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
2:59 pm	Ok if you still believe in that stupid moon hoax, it is a fact: You are an idiot. Read this. DID WE LAND ON THE MOON? A Debunking of the Moon Hoax Theory http://www.braeunig.us/space/hoax.htm go there, the whole paper was too long for me to post on livejournal, so if you are ready to be proven wrong go there. (revision) ok so Thomas you were right, that was a tad arrogant. i just...really dont like it when people would believe everything on a tv show just because its on tv. so my apologies to those that i have offended. Current Music: printing papers (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
12:58 am	oh what a dliemna ok, so here it goes. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!! Gah. So last night i stayed up to 4am studying my Bio chapter, i recopied my notes and looked over the entire chapter. When i got to take the Test, i looked at the test and didnt know about 75%. It was literally the most depressing thing that i have ever experienced. I mean, man, i STUDYIED. i worked hard, i went to every single class--- and STILL, I am most likely going to fail. This is depressing because im hardly getting a C in that class and I need at 3.0 this semester if i am going to go to UCSD. In the middle of the test, something just popped into my head. God does not want me to do this major. It makes complete sense, Ive worked really hard in that class and I can barely pull a C. So then the question is: What am i going to major in? I was talking to Janelle, and she was saying since im doing well in Chemistry i should major in something like Biochemistry, or Biophysics--since that still envolves Science (more $$). So that is a good option. However, I went with Aimee and her mom to lunch and we were talking about my dilemna, and Aimee said that everyone shes talked to doesnt know why i havent majored in history. Since, according to her, im a genius in History. So thats...incouraging, in a way. History is what im good at, as well as art. so i dunno. I want to keep some science, but maybe that isnt for me. History....the only thing that is really holding me back from really majoring in it is the Career oppertunities. Art is cool, so i know ill be really good at it. but again, Career oppertunities. I really want to do something that glorifies Gods name with my gifts that he gave me, but im not quite sure. SOmething keeping me from making an offical dicision. so yeah i need prayer (1 Comment |Comment on this)